It was one day in my computer class when I met my first boyfriend. His name was Jesus. I was in 5th grade. We dated for almost 3 years and he was the sweetest guy in the whole school. He would take me out to eat, we go on dates to the movies and buy me what ever I wanted… he had money so that wasn’t a big deal for him to spend all of his money on me.
My mom liked him a lot so he was allowed to stay at my house when he wanted and when we would hang out really late. I really had a blast with him every time I was with him… I lost my virginity to him I was 11 years old… he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend either but I loved him and he loved me… I met his mom and siblings and he met mine a swell…this was like the best and most fun relationship story I’ve never had in y life I am pretty sure about it.
Two years and a half-year of dating and having a good relationship I met Arturo! I was being nice and everything cause he was new to that school so I felt like showing him around and hang out with him so he can get use to that school. We became good friends and Jesus would start to get jealous he thought I was cheating on him. I understood about it because we would actually hang out a lot and didn’t spend much time with Jesus and so that pretty much caused for him and me to start arguing and having conflicts… I would tell Arturo all about my problems and he understood me. After a while Arturo and Jesus became good friends and well of course I was the one who was left out at last… I understood and well I mean Jesus and me broke up after fighting and arguing because it just wasn’t working out.
I don’t understand what really happened between Arturo and Jesus but me and Arturo started hanging out again and well at the end me and Arturo started dating I mean I really didn’t like him I was just pretty much trying to have a good time… I was like well we dating so might as well as I tell my mom and introduce them two. One day after school I invited him over my house and my mom was outside chatting with my aunt…
“Who’s that?” she asked.
‘”Umm he’s my boyfriend mom” I replied
‘WHAT?” she yelled
“ I do not like him, I don’t want you around him at all I do not want you to see each other you understood?”
I had no words to say and I just stayed quiet and didn’t know what to do so I ran inside and went in to my room and stayed there for hours and cried my eyes out. He texts me and tells me everything its ok. He got a big smile on my face
I forgot all about the argument with my mom and ignore everything.
Next day she told me if I was still seeing him and I said yes…
She beat the shit out of me and all I did was run away… I didn’t see her for like 2 days.
I came back home and she was like if I ever see you or if I know that you are dating that mother fucker I am going to kick your ass even more badly.
Even thought she didn’t let me be with him I was still dating him and kept on seeing him. Just because I hated my mom at the moment I was being bad and started smoking and drinking and doing all bad shit.
My first time having sex with Arturo was at his house one night when his parents weren’t there … until I met his parents and we would be at his house every time and almost every day. I would tell my mom I was staying at my friend’s house or at my best friends house. My mom would believe me and she would spoil me a lot… even though we didn’t have a good relationship between mother and daughter but me and my sister were the only people she had in her life so she had no choice but spoil us and I guess love us.
Mom had some problems so she had to leave us behind and live with my aunt and uncle so instead of telling my uncle about me dating Arturo I was actually hiding from him. So I would sneak him in the house when my uncle wouldn't let me go out. So one time I really need to talk to Arturo about me being pregnant ad so I told my aunt to take me to the clinic and check me because I really was feeling sick so she took me and they told me I was pregnant that I was 3 months far. I couldn’t believe it… I told my aunt after my appointment and she couldn’t believe it either she thought I was playing until I showed her the paper saying I was 12 weeks far. I told her where Arturo lived ad I told him.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yes, I'm 12 weeks far”
“Well I going to help you ok!”
“Thanks because this is not easy and I would love to talk to your parents about it if you don’t mind”
“Yes we can both talk to them”
“ Yeas and well my mom wont take this so I think it’s going to be hard on her”
“ No mom I am not going to have an abortion I want o have this baby and I m keeping it, just like you decided to keep my brother me and my sister”
She walks away and starts yelling at me really loud. After a mean while I walked in to her room and told her that I was so sorry for making her going through all this. She looks at me and says well what can I do about it!!!
Now that I told her I was keeping the baby she got use to it, she had to I couldn't have an abortion cause I was more than three months far.
During my whole pregnancy my mom was such a sweetie… never went to any of my doctored appointments I was actually scared that they would tell me that my baby was going to be born with any kind of illness so I chose not to take care of my self I took prenatal pills for like three months but then stopped taking them…
July 12, 6 am I had this contraction so went to the hospital and get checked I was 3 cm dilated so they send me back home…. I heard that its really good and it helps a lot if you walk a lot before giving birth so I did I walked the whole day… I went back around 7 pm and I was ready to give birth. I wasn’t having contractions but I was like 9 cm dilated open so I started labor at 8 pm and gave birth to Mariana exactly at 8:22pm… right when she came out I heard the nurse say
“How are you going name your baby?” nurse asked me
“ Christopher Expander ” I said …
“ It’s a girl!!” she yelled.
I was n shocked because when Mariana came out they just put her on my chest. I just couldn’t believe that I had a baby… the only person that was they’re holding my hand and there for me, was my mom the one that cut the umbilical cord and the one that said I’m worried about you… after two days in the hospital I had to go home and a lot of my family members visited me a lot and would go check on me and take presents for Mariana… it was on July so we were on school vacations and I didn’t go to school till august so its not that I didn’t want my baby but I wanted to go to school cause I actually thought of her and wanted a better future for me and her. My family would see that and would criticize me for leaving Marianita with my mom all day.
They would tell me that why did I had he if I wasn’t going be responsible for my own actions and life. My family would call me a hoe and all this kinds of stuff only cause I got pregnant at age of 13. Yes I know that I messed up and I understand that what I did was wrong, still there are a lot of teenage girls that get pregnant at a really young age. I was sad, depressed, and humiliated by them. My mom lost respect and trust towards me. I had no one to be there for me on good and bad times. When I turned 15 I was expecting for to let me go out with my friends at least to have fun. I asked if I could go out she replied in a bad mood
“No, you don’t deserve to go out you don’t deserve to be here. Everything you have done you going to pay in life you’re going to regret every thing you made me go through.”
I was socked everything she told me hurt like no other… I cried and cried till my eyes were so irritated and really red it was 5 pm and she had to go to work so I was so pissed and really mad and so angry at her for being a bitch to me… ever since I had Mariana was born my mom changed a lot.
If something would come out wrong it was my fault and she blame everything bad on me.
All I get from her is that I am a bad mom I am not a good daughter I am such a hoe for having a baby at this age and I am just not worth nothing in this world, to the point that she even sometimes wishes me dead.
My mom and me have a lot of problems at home. She tells my family I am the bad one and that I am just not a good mom that she feels sorry for me cause my life is a disaster and that I am going no where in life just because I want be me and not care about what she sais or other people tell me to do.
She just thinks I am a bad girl for not doing what she tells me to do and so that’s why I fail in life all the time.
I know that I will do it and make it pretty far in life all I need to not listen to my mom’s words and keep on in life because my daughter needs me and in doing it for her and for our futures. Mariana is the only one that I care about the most right now I try to tell my mom and let her know but she thinks I am ridiculous for trying to be a better mom or trying g to be the best Mariana can have. Now that I am a senior this year I am so excited and I know that I have so many distractions but it ain’t going to stop me because I know I can do it and because the only person that can stop me is Mariana. I am doing my best to graduate this year and I know I can do this and im so going to be some one in life. I will give the best to my daughter and I will be the best mom in the while world I promise that and I am so going to be happy when my mom sees what she said about me was just wrong. She does just not understand what I am going through in life because I never let her know what’s going on in my life. I wish my mom there for me and to trust me because I am actually scare for her to hit me or get in trouble for telling her how I m struggle in life. Now I feel like a piece of shit because I wish everything would be different. I wish that everything I do could make her happy or at least be proud her daughter who is the first and only one that will be graduating and always did well in school. The one that has plans for her future and actually be someone in life to help her family out and be someone important and wishes her mom was proud of her daughter and see what she is done in her life as a single mom.
Now that my daughter is 3 years old I am trying my best to be the mom my mother never was to me. I want that connection and that trust like best friends have because I want to be that person my child trusts and only real friend in her life. I want to give her everything my mom didn’t give me. I am her mother and I want a relationship from mother to daughter.